Spike (2008)

Writer/Director: Robert Beaucage
Cast: Sarah Livingston Evans, Jared Edwards, Anna-Marie Wayne, Nancy P. Corbo, Edward Gusts
Chaos Productions

"Spike" starts, as horror films often do, with a car crash along a rural road at night. But this particular car crash is no accident. Two couples traveling to an unnamed destination are halted by what looks like a steam punk accessory. No one is seriously injured in the accident, but after the lone dude goes to check out the tire damage, an unseen assailant attacks him. The gothic spikes he found in the tire are now sticking out of his throat and he's bleeding out fast. The three remaining girls go into panic mode and try to figure out how to save their friend and just what the hell is going on.

The situation escalates quickly. Naturally, there is no cell phone reception and the Evil Dead cam is stalking them. When the girls aren't looking, someone snatches the dude and leaves a poetic note behind proposing an exchange: If "she" comes willingly, the dude will be returned and will incur no further harm. Which girl the unseen kidnapper wants is not specified but the dude's girlfriend nervously clutches her rose belt buckle in a knowing fashion and then faints. Suspicious! The remaining girls carry her to the car and decide they can drive on a flat. Unfortunately, they can't drive on a dead engine, which is what they now seem to have. Rosey wakes up and takes off into the woods, now keenly aware of who is out there and what she has to do to save her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, the other couple is left to bewilderedly wander the woods and try to find their friends. Rosey gets into more trouble when a snake bites her…and then the porcupine monster shows up. Here's where the tone of Spike abruptly switches from intriguing horror mystery to hackneyed Beauty and the Beast story. This is well-worn territory and this film has absolutely nothing new to say on the subject.

The porcupine monster is well read and a bit of an artist, chilling in his woodsy studio apartment, living off bugs and pine needles. This is supposed to make us, and Rosey, feel for all romantical toward him. But it doesn't work. Instead, the whole thing is just tedious. It's boring to listen to Rosey continuously plead for her boyfriend's life while Porky tells her she has to stay with him forever because he looooves her. It's eye-rolling when Porky has her put on a nice dress he happened to have laying around because kidnappers always keep ladies' formal wear on hand just in case. I suppose there are a few minor plot points that could be looked at as twists but the dialog is so exasperating that all you're really hoping for is the end of the movie.

It's not all bad, I suppose. There are some interesting visuals including Porky's look. There are also some boobs revealed during that classic "I need to disrobe you entirely in order to help your medical condition" conceit. At one point, Rosey calls out one of Porky's cheesy lines and I wish there had been more of that self-awareness for such a cliché story. But it's too-little-too-late. If you make it to the end, you'll wish you had a spike to drive into the part of your brain that will remember seeing this movie.