Black Scorpion

Black Scorpion
Written by: Craig J. Nevius
Directed by: Jonathan Winfrey
Starring: Joan Severence, Bruce Abbott, Darryl M. Bell, Casey Siemaszko, Stephen Lee
1995
92 minutes
Review by: Superheidi

This "Roger Corman Presents" piece of crap is just about as bad as it gets. Originally a crappy film made in 1995 starring Joan Severence, who isn't a real actress (she has had bit parts in Bird on a Wire and Hear no Evil, See No Evil), and a cast of great b-movie and horror veterans (Bruce Abbott from The Reanmiator Series, Stephen Lee from Ghoulies III, Prehysteria!, and Robocop 2, and of course, the great Roger Corman as producer), Black Scorpion makes no sense, is really boring, and I hope I never ever see it again. Wait, maybe that's a bit rash. I'd like to see it again on Bad Movie Night, when I'm really drunk, so I can laugh so hard I puke whiskey through my nose. Is this unprofessional? Probably. I am just being as brutally honest as I can.

Followed by a sequel called Black Scorpion: Ground Zero in 1997, the series finally climaxed in what was the Sci-Fi Channel's greatest flop ever: Black Scorpion the hour-long series. Man, that was agony. The series, though painful to the max (going back to my valley-girl roots) was given more leeway to suck because each episode had a lower budget, and hey, it was on at 3 pm Pacific Time on Sunday afternoons on cable. The original film itself had no excuse for being so badly directed badly written, and badly acted. Well, unless you count Roger Corman as the ultimate excuse.

Black Scorpion is a tale of Darcy Walker (played by Joan Severence) as a bitter, revenge-seeking female in a black cat suit who prowls the streets of Angel City at night seeking to punish all criminals for their failure to adhere to the simple tenets of society's laws. In her attempt to liberate women and innocents everywhere from the overpowering evil of men and crime, she becomes the target of the police department. By “taking the law into her own hands” she becomes a criminal herself. I remember this film, but I liked it better the first time. When it was called Batman Returns.

Tacky, clumsy costumes and sets, along with gratuitous tit shots, stereotypical villains, characters, and minorities, and some of the worst acting ever on earth recorded on film make Black Scorpion the worst female-superhero film in the universe. (Even worse than Supergirl). Joan Severence (easily 35) is oddly enough only about 4 years younger than the man who is supposedly her father. (They didn't even attempt to gray his hair or add wrinkles). Darcy Walker dresses like a prostitute when being The Black Scorpion, but somehow manages to dress like an old lady in her everyday clothes. Lets not forget to mention there is a splendidly moronic naked crying shower scene (what film would be complete?) It's possible that Jonathan Winfrey is the worst director in the world. The Black Scorpion sucks as a superhero because she has no super abilities! Her Albert-the-Butler sidekick, a criminal called Argyle, fulfills every black stereotype in horror films ever set down by the tenets of stupidity. One-liners fall off of everyone's tongue making your eyes roll so far back into your head that you may puke. Her magic Black Scorpion car changes into a “Kit”-like vehicle using technology vastly beyond that of the petty criminal who invents it. The Black Scorpion massacres innocent cops in her way.

If this plot sounds retarded, it's because it is. I only have several questions: Why is the most interesting character, the Breathtaker, (the token villain) in the movie the least of all the characters? Why stop at taking over the city, when you could take over the world? And where the fuck is the government while all this is going on?

Every once in a while a movie comes along that is really a low-budget b-flick, but it masks itself as a real action adventure blockbuster. Black Scorpion is one of these films.
This film makes Tank Girl and Barb Wire look like Gone with the Wind and Casablanca, respectively. Imagine The Crow, if The Crow was so bad that you died.