Spring Break Shark Attack
Written by James LaRosa
Directed by Paul Shapiro
Featuring: Shannon Lucio, Riley Smith, Justin Baldoni, Kathy Baker, Bryan Brown
Official Site
Review by: Amanda By Night
A no-brain entry into the animal’s (or fish's, as it were) gone amok genre, Spring Break Shark Attack, which aired March 20th on CBS, featured chicks in bikinis, bad acting (and even worse dialog), superfluous subplots, a couple of semi-name actors (Bryan Brown and Kathy Baker) and lots of sharks chowing down on half naked/half dressed teenagers.
And my friends, it was heaven.
After a boatload of drag queens (OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but one of them was a dead ringer for Woody Harrelson) end up on the bad side of a shark fin, our hero, Danielle (Shannon Lucio), heads to the white sands of Florida for Spring Break where she plans to expand her horizons and her legs. After she meets up with her carefree friends she quickly becomes of the object of two men’s affections, the hunky but ultra-sleazy J.T. (Justin Baldoni), and Luke Perry wannabe, Shane (Riley Smith). After a bit of heavy partying Danielle decides love will find a way, but she may not have the time as she soon discovers a school of Tiger Sharks are having their way with the baked-to-perfection teens. Wait, I thought only Hammerheads swam in schools… But never you mind, because it’s the more the merrier during this Spring Break Shark Attack.
Perfect fodder for the Sci-Fi Channel, it seems rather odd that this movie made it’s way all the way up the small screen food chain to a major network – and a network that primarily caters to an older audience. How it ended up there is anyone’s guess but there was something so comforting about curling up to a throwback of the TV Movie of the Week, which was so prevalent in my childhood. Sure, this flick could never live up to the legendary Movies of the Week of yesteryear such as Trilogy of Terror or even Shark Kill, but there is something so heartwarming about CBS putting down some change for a fun little horror movie. And trust me, this was made on spare change. The very sparse special effects looked like they were financed on the leftover CGI money from CSI. Yes, they could have been much better, but somehow seemed perfectly at home amongst the absurdity.
If there was a downside to this masterpiece is that there needed to be more shark time. The subplot concerning roofies was just somehow not strong enough to carry the film. In short, there’s more Spring Break than Shark Attack, but once these critters get hungry it’s high tide for anyone in their midst. And by the end the audience is treated to an all out shark assault that would even make the Shark Attack films jealous. We’re talking like 30 deaths in five minutes! In fact, all that was missing was a megaladon, but we don’t always get what we want, now do we? Hopefully they were just saving something for the sequel…
